I cried so hard tonight I got a bloody nose. I was sitting there with Cedar, just losing it after E.’s 9 month pediatric appointment. He saw it starting to go and was like “Sweetheart, take it easy.” Well, I’ll take it, but it’s not easy right now. We’re so close to needing to put our girl on a feeding tube. The doc said we can give it 2-4 more weeks but if nothing much improves, then we’re into mechanized eating.
She’s memorably tiny. When I’m at Target people take one look at her and say, “Well, what a peanut” or “She sure is little.” It’s not meant to be rude. But I think there should be a universal rule that you shouldn’t say anything about a baby’s size. About anyone’s size, actually. Strangers, loved ones, old college roommates, whoever. Nobody wants this type of commentary.
E. just doesn’t like to eat. It’s difficult for her because of her suck-swallow problems. And it’s difficult for me because I’m her Jewish mother and when it really comes down to it I do subscribe to this concept: when you’re at my house, then the more you eat, the better I feel. It’s one of the finest things in life. And it’s terrifying to think about her having to be fed through a tube, with no end date in sight. Just the hope that things will change at some point.
So I’m working on accepting what is, with more and less success depending on the day, the current level of sunshine, and how much REM I got to sink into the night before. And I’m working at producing as much breastmilk as I can (my supply has dwindled down since I nursed her more exclusively for her first months of life). I work the hardest at distracting myself from the worry. Cedar and I have little bits we do to at least find some sort of humor in it all, about our baby. That we are raising America’s next top model (and she won’t even have to go on a diet to get in the industry), among other things. And certainly, I’m not the kind of mama that’s hoping for my girl to be a model. I’m certainly much more hoping for her to be strong-hearted, fierce and real and kind. I don’t need her to be big or small or any type of size. I just want her to be content in this world.
Less struggle, more guzzle.